I'm back!!

Hi everyone! I'm officially BACK!

You may be wondering where I've been the last few days (and if you haven't then you should've been cos I'm lovely) - have I been off having an adventure on some kind of hospital field trip?? Have I been abducted by aliens and subjected to horrific indignities by a holographic image of Leonardo di Caprio for their experiments?? Have I had too many Sambuca shots again and woken up in a field in Norfolk clad only in an Old Tart thong (don't ask)??

Sadly, no. (Particularly sadly, not the Leonardo scenario...) I have in fact been at home suffering with an inflamed windpipe (I know, I've never heard of it before either, I have this really cute inhaler for it that I'm gonna flog on eBay once I get better), coughing constantly and drinking endless cups of honey and lemon. And being driven mad by my sister. And arguing with the RUDEST doctor's receptionist (they have this prioritising system for emergency appointments and apparently the sense of power this gives her has gone to her head. Sample conversation: "There are three other people who want an appointment. Why do you think I should give you one?" She clearly equated me with some lazy teenager who wanted an excuse not to have to do sport at school) EVER to try and get an appointment.

We've also had a man round putting a fence round the front garden who is the BORINGEST person ever. Seriously, you can feel your eyelids drooping just from LOOKING at him. I should've taped my conversation with him to help get me to sleep after too much ProPlus! (SMALL sample from the conversation: "And could you 'ave a word with yer mum about whether she wants the ball 'eads on top o' the posts or the arrer'eads. I know she liked the fence o' that mixed-race man around't corner and 'e 'as the ball 'eads and I was worried that she might think they were compulsory but they're not. And I know she wanted 'em painted black with the 'eads in gold. I don't know whether to paint 'em first and then bring 'em 'ere to put 'em in't ground or to put 'em in't ground and then paint 'em - I'm compelled by't weather 'cos if it's windy and I paint'em while they're 'ere they're gonna get bits o' dust and what 'ave yer stuck to 'em. An' I've put 'olders in't ground first 'cos I know there's kids 'round 'ere and it only teks one smart arse to say I bet I can pull that post out o't'ground and another one to say I bet yer can't an' before you know it t'whole row's been pulled up...." By this time I was close to self-harm but thankfully he didn't go on for much longer.)

I've also spoken to my grandad on the phone a couple of times which is equally difficult because you have to shout into the phone for him to hear you and I can't shout at the moment because of my windpipe. Not that he understands what you're saying even if you do shout, he's a wee bit senile and you have to repeat things for him. (Sample conversation: "No grandad, I'm going back to Cambridge this evening." "Yer what?" "I'm going back this evening!!" "Going back?" "YES GRANDAD!!" "So are yer at 'ome then?")

ANYWAY, I'm back in Cambridge now, desperately trying to bring my Physiology practical book up to date to hand in tomorrow, coughing constantly (some things never change!) and, since I do not currently own a lemon, dissolving spoonfuls of honey in boiling water and attempting to drink it without retching (it's VILE!! Which incidentally is an anagram of EVIL which is another thing that it is.) And manically trying to revise. Twelve days to exams and I still don't feel like I have much grasp of ANYTHING I've done this year. But now I have an added incentive in that if I fail my exams and get kicked out I will be at home far more often and will probably be driven to suicide by my family.

Still, at least here there is a working internet connection. At home you have to cope with the fact that my sister has downloaded about eight extra toolbars (Google, Yahoo, etc etc) and buggered up the Start menu so that it takes up a quarter of the screen and so the actual usable part of the screen is only big enough to display five lines of text at once. Add to that the fact that every time you click on something two pop-up windows and about six "pop-under" (what the hell is a pop-under?? I'm SURE I've never heard of 'em before) windows spring out of nowhere AND the fact that if more than five windows are open at once the computer crashes AND the fact that MSN doesn't work (I've been having withdrawal symtoms) and you very soon feel like smashing your head into the monitor.

And now it's back to inventing results for the practicals on breathing. JOY!